omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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