you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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