hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
