I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Someone came in the potted fern
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
