She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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