Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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