You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
