Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Well I just put wine in my tea
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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