the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
