Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
