dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
