I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
