apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
