She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
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