Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
