Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
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