i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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