hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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