so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
