the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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