i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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