Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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