So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
