All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
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he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
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When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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