ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
