According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Acid is not a monday night drug
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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