Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
