Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Oh god it's open bar.
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