I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
