I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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