hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
