Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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