i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
