I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
