i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
