woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
