sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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