the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
