i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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