Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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