I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
