New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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