I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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