you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
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I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
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It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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