Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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