im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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