I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
