You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
