You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
