There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
