I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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