turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
