Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
It's rum buckets o'clock
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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