Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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