Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
