I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
