Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
