i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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