so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
