Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
