I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
