you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
