just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
