My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
People with herpes should wear stickers.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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